Power Kite Forum - Beginner with too large a kite, Fourth Excursion

Legal Disclaimer: All actions were performed by rank amateurs without training and with total disregard for any safety equipment. Kite flying can be dangerous and cause debilitating injuries or even death! DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME! No animals were harmed in the production of this posting as well.

Well, it had been some time since the last time I had flown my kite, and since my ugly mug has been posted in the post office, I decided that it would be a good time to try the kite field on the other side of town, if only to preserve what freedom I enjoyed when dodging the donut eaters cruising about in their new set of wheels.

This kite field was scientifically selected not because the winds there are good (they stink cause theres lotsa trees), not because the surface is nice and smooth (its very ruff with many “land mines” leftover from all the dogwalkers out there), but because it is located on the other side of town from the donut shop, thus this area of town has the lowest concentration of donut eating cops.

So I keep a close eye on the wind all day at work, looks to be a steady 10 MPH breeze, fresh wind, clear skies, and somewhat chilly at about 40 degrees. Good thing I didn’t listen to our local weatherman, Andy Provanzano, or I would have been styling in basketball shorts, a grimy wifebeater, with my trusty size 10 ½ steel toed red wings to fend off the four legged irrigation department. As it was, a sweater, a light jacket, jeans, and the good old steel toed red wings were in order.

Got home and hurried to collect my kite and get out of there but the wifey surprised me getting home a bit sooner than she usually does. Course then there was the regularly scheduled argument about cycling the dishwasher, and I had a low casualty rate (two small bowls and a coffee mug). Off to the new kite fields! Virgin Territory!

Completely deserted when I pull into the lot! I mean it’s a ghost town! I walk out to the middle of the soccer field and quickly have my kite in the air, sweeping back and forth across the horizon. Ahhh! I just love brisk kite flying days like this! Even my new found buddies, the 2,423 blue jays, cardinals, starlings, and the wood pecker showed up and took a seat in one of the many trees surrounding the field, clearly enjoying the beautiful sunset and the graceful kite sweeping across the sky.

Well, it wasn’t long before my arch nemesis, Ralphie, the Kite Eating Dog, using his super canine senses determined that I was out there somewheres flying my kite! I swear he can hear a kite bag being unzipped from three miles away! Dragging his owner, Bob the Dogwalker, he quickly tracked me down to my new kite flying field using his super canine detection devices! My new found buddies, the 2,423 blue jays, cardinals, starlings, and the wood pecker warned me that trouble was coming and I turned just in time to see Bob the Dogwalker chaining Ralphie the Kite Eating Dog to the light pole, seeing how the industrial strength picnic table is insufficient for that task last time!

So as I continue to enjoy flying my kite, I notice that Bob the dogwalker has his cell phone out. Don’t think much about it until I notice that there is a new cop car entering the parking lot at a very high rate of speed! OH NO! Bob Called the Donut Eaters! Ahhh, I got it! they just want to show me their Brand New Plymouth Charger Police Interceptor that replaced the Crown Vic that got picnic tabled a couple weeks ago!

Well as soon as the donut eaters disembark their Plymouth Charger Police Interceptor, they give me the old “Stink Eye” and I know something is up. Well…… the really Big donut eater is the one that gave me the Stink Eye, the really really big one took a rag out and polished a unnoticeable blemish out of their new cop car. Oh crud……..Now they have joined Bob the dogwalker, not taking their eyeballs off me! The really really big one is slapping his billy club in his hand while the really big one keeps touching his handcuffs, as if he cannot wait to pull them out. I gotta act fast!

So…….. I whips out my cell phone and call Spag’s Pizzeria! Tell them to get two Large Super Spags Specials down to this park for the donut eaters pronto and give them my account number! (pizza is one of the four basic food groups and Spag’s Pizza is the best pizza joint in the tri county area! I have an account there and they have direct deposit from my paycheck to cover my pizza requirements every two weeks on payday). Since I am on the Platinum Spag’s Pizza Eaters list, their delivery is guaranteed within 10 minutes or its Free!

Now, if there is one thing that us americans is good at, its pizza delivery! We can deliver pizza faster than anyone on the planet and once that pizza gets there, it is the most awesome pizza in the world! No one can deny the aroma of a fresh pizza pie and when the Spag’s Pizza Delivery Dude place them pizza’s on the picnic table, all attention was diverted from me!

Fortunately, the allure of a good pizza is not enjoyed solely by two legged animals. Some of our four legged friends also appreciate a premium pizza and Ralphie, the Kite Eating Dog really loves his Pizza! So while the donut eaters and Bob the dogwalker was just opening up the first pizza box, Ralphie was straining at the wire rope that was attached to the light pole. He had dug a hole over a foot deep spraying sand in all directions behind him trying to get at the pizza before it was devoured with only crusts left.

While the donut eaters are enjoying their pizza, and with ralphie struggling on his wire rope leash, let me tell you a little bit about wire ropes or steel cables. Everybody knows what steel cables are good for, they are a very strong rope that is made out of steel cable wrapped over and twisted about itself so it is flexible and pliable. What most people do not realize is that most wire ropes are oiled to prevent friction from building between each individual wire strand, and that this oil is especially good at catching and retaining particles of sand, and Ralphie the kite eating dog was applying plenty of sand on the wire rope. Furthermore, when encrusted with a good coating of sand, a wire rope becomes one of the most effective cutting tools known to man, able to cut through steel, concrete, iron, and most other man made materials. I am not sure that Ralphie was fully aware of this as he struggled against the sand encrusted wire rope leash while he watched the donut eaters and Bob the dogwalker devour Spag’s Pizza.

With the donut eaters and Bob the Dogwalker distracted by Spag’s Pizza, I started to pack up my kite but upon seeing Ralphie working on the light post, I decided to watch what was going to happen. Well, it took less than a minute, and Ralphie was completely through the steel light post and insuring that he would get his fair share of Spag’s Pizza. The lightpost, upon being severed by the steel cable, must of shorted out the high power alternating current wiring system to the lamp because a very very bright Flash of light accompanied by a sonic “BOOM” emanated from the base of the light post! Naturally, this caught everybody’s attention.

Now, a few of you might not know what happens when you short out a high power alternating current power source. First off, there is a bright flash of light and if the circuit continues to short out, a fireball is formed that in the case of 440 volt industrial current, usually is about 18 to 24 inches in diameter. This fireball is brighter then the surface of the sun and emanates a considerable amount of noise and heat as it releases the energy into the surrounding area. The noise emitted from this fireball is a very loud, very powerfull, “VZZZZZZZZZT” with a vibration that literally rattles every vertebrae in your spine.

In this case, since the fireball was about ten to twelve feet in diameter, Ralphie had tapped in to a considerably more powerful electrical source then 440 volt industrial current! The fireball and VZZZZZZTTT lasted about 20 seconds, until it had melted through electrical leads breaking contact, and then when gravity lowered the pole a fraction of a inch, re established electrical contact, thus the reformation of said ten to twelve foot diameter fireball and the resulting VZZZZZZZTTTTT! This cycle of Blinding light, fireball, and earsplitting VZZZZZZTTTTT was repeating itself over and over again.

Personally, I was frozen in place watching the spectacle, and I could feel the sunburn forming on my face and neck.

Unfortunately, Ralphie the kite eating dog, being attached to the light pole with a 3/8th inch wire rope, was getting something a little bit worse then a good sunburn! Every time the Blinding Fireball and earsplitting VZZZZTTTTT happened, Ralphie was levitated about three feet off the ground. I do not think he was very comfortable since he splayed his legs and tail to every point on the compass. While I am not sure that his skin and fur became transparent, more so that his complete skeleton glowed a fluorescent bright white, expanding and contracting in conjunction with the vibrations being emitted from the large fireball back at the light pole. His tongue was also sticking straight out the side of his mouth as well.

After about five minutes of this cyclic fireball, the guys down at the Enrico Fermi Nuclear Power Plant in Monroe, Michigan, realized that there was something amiss and cut power to the Williamston Sector of the power grid for the State of Michigan.

This immediately stopped the fireball, and Ralphie, the kite eating dog, dropped spread eagle to the ground with his tongue still hanging out. The light pole, now being thoroughly and completely magnetically energized, was seeking out the nearest piece of iron or steel it could find. Since the donut eaters had conveniently parked their Brand Spankin New Dodge Challenger Police Special, guess what piece of brand new shiny Detroit Iron the light pole was attracted to? While the light post did not slice completely through the Dodge Challenger, it crushed it so that the post was little more than a foot off the ground with the police car sandwiched in-between.

Bob the dogwalker quickly went to Ralphie the kite eating dog, whipped out his cell phone and was calling Doggie 911.

Moi? Instead of my usual intelligent wherewithal, I stood there dumbstruck watching the mushroom cloud form above the previously pristine dodge charger police special.

The donut eaters? Well they quickly assessed the situation and came to the quick conclusion that I was responsible for their predicament. I could see their faces turning red by degree and there actually was steam coming out of their ears! And they were not looking at Ralphie the kite eating dog, they were not looking at Bob, the Dogwalker, they were looking at ME! My goose was cooked! Naturally, using my cunning and high intelligence, I froze in place assuming their attention was drawn to something behind me! I tried my best to become invisible but was not doing that good a job.

This is when the most incredible thing happened! Ya remember all the 2,432 Blue Jays, Cardinals, Starlings, and the wood pecker? Well, they were enjoying this afternoons entertainment and quickly determined that I needed their assistance! So while I was busy giving the donut eaters my deer in headlights look, all 2,432 Blue Jays, Cardinals, Starlings, and the Wood Pecker (hereafter referred to as “Squadron 2432”) took flight and formed up in attack formation at about 2,000 foot altittude! Then, diving down like a WWII Stuka dive bomber, they streaked down towards the Donut Eaters, breaking off and releasing their semi liquid “Land Mine”, scoring direct hits on the donut eaters! I mean they were coated from head to toe and quickly abandoned any thought of chasing me! Squadron 2432, in flights of a dozen or so, made two complete passes to complete their task! This quick thinking on the part of Squadron 2432 saved my hide. I did the quickest and most clustermessed parapack of the kite and pulled a quick strategical retreat to the Cranky Underground Bunker! I passed a couple of Consumers Power vehicles on my way home.

Now, if anybody ever asks you how much guano can be expelled by 2,432 Blue Jays, Cardinals, Starlings, Sparrows, and a Wood Pecker, the correct answer is “A lot more then you think!”

About a half hour later, as I was relaxing with the wifey in the Cranky Hot Tub (since there is not much else to do when the power is out), Squadron 2432 collected themselves in the trees around the back deck. While I could not understand what they were saying (I do not speak avian), it was comical watching them do their “High Fives” and their little “Chest Bumps” like you see on the football end zone after a touch down!

God I hope I have as much fun next time!

Regards,
Cranky