Beginner with too big a kite, Sixth Expidition!
Beginner with too big a kite-sixth expedition-ICE!
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which are headquartered nearby!
Cold!!!!!! Blistering Cold!!!!!!!! You know what that means?????????
That means that the Lake is Frozen over!
I am so EXCITED!!!!!!!
Yep! Gotta be frozen cause it’s been so cold lately. Lake Lansing might not have much ice, but it’s got to have enough to go kite skiing and I would
have to drive 100 miles to find a bigger, flatter, windier piece of real estate to try out my new found kite skiing skills. Especially since it was
painfully obvious that I need a larger field for kite skiing then the one I selected last time!
I have been waiting for this for a Long Time!!!!!!
Pack the kite up in the Explorer, got the Hexcells, got the size 10 ½ Banana Peel Nordica Ski boots with the chewed up left heal in the back! I am
ready to go!
Get to Lake Lansing Park and it’s BEAUTIFUL!!!!! Clear Skies…..Steady 8MPH winds, The Williamston Varsity Hockey team practicing on the ice down
there, A couple of Ice fishermen with tip ups on the far side of the lake. Lots of space for me to develop my newly acquired kite skiing skills as
outlined in my last posting! J
Wifey calls me on the Cell phone………”Sorry, I forgot to recycle the dishwasher dear”……”Nope! I will get the garbage out when I get home! Don’t
worry!” I remove the batteries from the phone as she tries to ignite our regularly scheduled daily argument. It is so perfect out here I am not going
to let her spoil it for me!
Climb into the painfully bright neon yellow ski boots, snap into the ancient Solomon 505 bindings, grab the kite and ski/skate down to the lake where
the WHS Hockey team is going at it…… ohhhhhhhhh this is going to be fun! ……..Lay the kite out with snow to hold her down, untangle the lines………Ready?
Check! A quick tug of the line inflates the kite.
Rather than immediately taking off, I keep the kite near the zenith, watching it float in the sky, and just enjoying the sun on the frozen lake. I
can hear the swish of the skates from the hockey team, the rustle of the kite. So Peaceful…..I want to take as much of this in as I can, it is that
beautiful. I close my eyes and practice blind kite flying. I hear the kite swooping through the sky, the hum of the bridle, the swish of the lines.
I can hear the birds of squadron 2432 on shore. With my eyes closed I become one with the kite, anticipating its movements, somehow knowing its
position, simply amazing!!!!!!
Relaxing….. Admiring how the sound carries across the frozen lake. I can hear the excitement from the ice fisherman as he lands a bigg’n…….the wind
rustling through the trees ………..the cracking of the ice ……that incessant whine of the snowmobile getting louder and louder and louder………
OH NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT’S BOB THE DOGWALKER ON THE SNOWMOBILE, AND HE IS TRYING TO CATCH RALPHIE THE KITE EATING DOG WHO IS STAMPEDING
TOWARDS ME AT A FULL GALLOP!!!!
Ahhhh CRUD!!!!!! I pull the kite into the power zone and quickly accelerate across the lake, trying to escape that chain saw surgically implanted
where Ralphie’s mouth used to be. I think I made it but at the last second Ralphie makes a lunge for my left heal, and permanently sinks his teeth
into the back of my 10 ½ Nordica’s, which knock me over onto my side and pulls the kite into a tight spiral at the end of its 25 meter lines. As I
try and kick Ralphie off my Nordica, the spiraling kite wraps the lines around my wrist and before you know it, I am being dragged across lake Lansing
at a very high rate of speed by an out of control kite with Ralphie, the Kite Eating dog permanently attached to the heal of my 10 ½ inch Nordica……..A
colorful string of expletives emerge from my mouth as I am pulled across the ice, so much so that the goalie blushes as I zip by.
Now while I was being drawn across Lake Lansing by my spiraling five meter HQ beemer IV kite on my back, with Ralphie epoxied to my left Nordica, with
Bob the Dogwalker following closely behind on his snowmobile, I knew I was a gonner! I was so certain that Ralphie was going to chew my leg off that
my mind wondered to December 21, 2012 and how the Mayan culture predicted that the world would end on that day and how everybody got in hysterics
because December 21, 2012 was going to be doomsday. While I could feel the ice sliding beneath me, I chuckled because while everybody thought that
the Mayans had predicted the end of the world on 12-21-12, what they didn’t know was that while the Mayans had a good idea that it took 365 and a
quarter days for the earth to circle around the sun, the Mayans had absolutely no idea that it takes precisely 365.23874 days for the earth to make
its annual journey around the sun and that while we try and account for this by having a leap year every four years, to be precise, every hundred
years or so, you gotta forget about a leap year such that you can celebrate new year’s day at the same point in the universe every year for the next
couple bazillion years.
So, still being dragged on my back, I got to figuring that since the Mayans had a close approximate guess as to how long a year was, they were not
close enough to predict with the degree of accuracy of the end of the world to the nearest day, a number of centuries in the future. But since I knew
the exact number of days to the nearest ten millionth of a day, I could figure out when the Mayans had really predicted the end of the earth and so
you cannot believe my astonishment when I figured out that the Mayans were really trying to tell us that the end of the world would not come on
December 21, 2012, but that they were off a month and a half and that the end of the world would really occur on Sunday, February 10, 2013. And then,
as I was being pulled across Lake Lansing on my back by an out of control monster kite with a Rottweiler/Pit Bull kite eating crossbreed chomping on
my leg, you can imagine my astonishment when I realized that today was Sunday, February 10, 2013!
As I am struck in awe at the coincidence, I recognize that there is some obvious extra-terrestrial fluorescent energy occurring on the surface of Lake
Lansing, in such as I am being pulled cross wind directly to the tip ups that the ice fishermen have set up on the far side of the Lake! As I plow
through the tip ups, they catch on my ankles and wrap up Ralphie who is still chomping down on my left Nordica! He continues to let me know he is
going to chew my leg off, with the appropriate grunts and growls as we slide across the ice. The Ice Fishermen? Well, at seeing an idiot being
dragged across the lake by an out of control monster kite they try and retrieve their tip ups, only to be snagged by the hooks and they join this
parade of characters sliding across the Lake Lansing on February 10, 2013, the real end of the world day had the Mayans known that the earth doesn’t
quite take up a full 365 ¼ days to circumnavigate the sun!
So here we are, me, with the kite wrapped around my wrist pulling me across the Lake, Ralphie, hopelessly tied up by the fishing lines and snarling at
me, reminding me that he is going to chew my leg off, three ice fishermen caught in the lines that are emitting profanities that would make a sailor
blush, along with a good number of perch and a pike that were on the hooks of the tip ups I had collected on the far side of the lake. Bob the dog
walker is keeping up on his snowmobile, trying not to run over the ice fishermen as they whip side to side behind me.
Seeing how we had a good mess of perch and a pike on the fishing lines, our old friend Tommy the Tomcat, always looking out for a good meal, and
having a healthy appetite for fresh seafood, bolted from the shore and climbed on the back of one of the fishermen who was hooked in his boot and was
stuck sliding on his beer belly across Lake Lansing. Snagging a nearby perch, he was enjoying the scenery as it whipped by, consuming his fresh
seafood dinner, while calmly eyeing the next perch.
Remember the extra-terrestrial fluorescent energy that was being generated by the predicted end of the world from the Mayan Civilization? Well,
somehow that got shifted such that we were now headed towards the hockey rink, where the WHS Varsity Hockey team was enjoying a nice game of pick up
hockey on the ice of Lake Lansing. Although now they had abandoned hockey and were lined up, observing this parade of characters which consisted of
me with my monster kite wrapped around my wrist, Ralphie, firmly chomped down on my Neon Yellow Nordica Ski Boot and totally bound up with the fishing
line from the tip ups, three fishermen being dragged behind, with tommy the tomcat sitting on the fat one, enjoying his seafood dinner, with Bob the
dogwalker harassing us on his whiny snowmobile! As we slid on by the hockey rink, that extra-terrestrial fluorescent energy turned my monster kite
into a giant vacuum! This Monster Kite/Giant Vacuum proceeded to suck up every hockey puck that the Williamston VHS Hockey Team had out on the ice,
along with the water bottle the goalie had placed on top of the net!
Well, the Williamston VHS Hockey Team was not going to let me take all their Hockey pucks so they immediately gave chase to this parade!
Unfortunately, the extra-terrestrial fluorescent energy that was being generated by the predicted end of the world from the Mayan Civilization started
surging which caused the ice fishermen to start whiptailing. Tommy the tomcat sunk his claws into the unlucky ice fisherman to hold on, which cause
the ice fisherman to crank up the volume of the expletives emanating from his mouth! This fish tailing of the ice fishermen caught every hockey
player in our ever increasing parade of characters being dragged across the ice of Lake Lansing.
With the power surges being generated from the predicted Mayan end of the world, and the shifting extra-terrestrial florescent energy that resulted,
we found ourselves endlessly circling around Lake Lansing. In the distance, I heard the wailing siren of a police car steadily increasing in
volume…………….OH NO!!!!!!!!!! The Donut Eaters are HERE!
Well, the Donut Eaters took one look at this parade of me, hopelessly attached to my monster kite, Ralphie, all trussed up on my ankle and reminding
me that he is going to chew my leg off, three ice fishermen and the Williamston Varsity Hockey team hooked on the fishing lines that have bound
Ralphie up, emitting a steady stream of obscenities that would embarrass a marine drill sergeant, and Tommy the tomcat, riding the fat ice fisherman,
calmly cleaning his paws and eyeballing his next perch dinner! Oh yeah, Bob the dogwalker was still hanging back on his snowmobile as well. The donut
eaters, recognizing that there had to be some laws being broken out on the ice but not quite sure which laws were being violated, and also fresh from
their morning briefing where they were reminded about the increasing vehicle costs for the department and that they are far behind their monthly quota
of arrests and traffic tickets, drove onto the ice and gave pursuit to this rapidly increasing number of obscenity spewing characters being dragged
across Lake Lansing by a Monster kite with Bob the dogwalker giving chase on his whiney snowmobile.
And then we all heard it…………
The Train Whistle!!!!!!!!
Yep, a train was on its way! Ya see, the Grand Trunk Railroad’s main line runs along the south side of Lake Lansing. And this line is the main rail
line that connects Long Beach, California, which is the largest deep water harbor in the United States, with Montreal, Quebec, which is the largest
deep water harbour in Canada (notice how I used the Canadian spelling of Harbor there? Pretty neat eh?). Consequently, this line gets a lot of trains
that are hauling a lotta stuff. Big Trains! Really Big Trains. BIG HONKING GAZILLION TON TRAINS THAT TAKE TWO COUNTIES TO STOP TRAINS!!!! And
thanks to the surging extra-terrestrial fluorescent energy being generated by the mistaken Mayan end of the world date, we all were being drawn to
this Monster Train on its way to Montreal to unload its cargo for shipment to Europe!
As the train appeared around the bend, and we all saw that we were being pulled directly in the path of this oncoming chariot of death, the volume of
the expletives being broadcast from behind me increased to an ear splitting level! The train engineer, seeing a Monster kite pulling some idiot with
a dog chomped onto his ankle, with three fat ice fishermen and the Williamston Hockey team being dragged towards the tracks, closely followed by a
whiney snowmobiler and a cop car with flashing lights, did the only thing that an engineer driving a gazillion ton train could do, and that is blow
his whistle and curse under his breath at the additional paperwork he was going to have to fill out at the end of his shift! Those of us on the Ice
had a little different viewpoint, eyeballing a thousand steel wheels that would act as razor sharp cleavers when we were drawn into the path of the
oncoming gazillion ton monster train…….WE ALL REALIZED AT THAT MOMENT THAT WE WERE ALL GOING TO DIE!
SQUADRON 2432 TO THE RESCUE! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
As the 2432 Cardinals, Blue Jays, Starlings, Sparrows, and the one woodpecker were perched in the trees enjoying this morning’s entertainment, they
were amused at the parade of an idiot hopelessly wrapped up in a monster kite being dragged across Lake Lansing, with Ralphie chomped down on my
ankle, dragging three fat ice fishermen, and the Williamston Varsity Hockey team, with Tommy the tomcat perched on the really fat ice fisherman
enjoying a perch dinner, being pursued by Bob the Dogwalker on his whiney snowmobile and with the Donut Eaters in their brand new cop car with its
flashing lights trying to catch up. When they saw the Monster Train come around the bend and realized that we were being drawn to our certain death,
they took matters into their own hands. Squadron 2432 quickly took flight and assembled at about 1,000 feet, making a bee line to our parade and
dove in for the rescue! They swooped down and every Cardinal, every Starling, every Blue Jay, every Sparrow, and the one Woodpecker latched on to the
left bridle of the kite, deflating it and bringing it to the ground, where they quickly covered it in snow to prevent its re-inflation. As the kite
de powered, I slid to a stop not three feet from the tracks just as the monster train rolled past, the engineer obviously relieved that he would not
have to fill out all that paperwork that comes from a train accident. Strung out behind me were Ralphie, still wrapped up in the fishing lines, the
three fat ice fishermen, and the Williamston Varsity hockey team. Tommy the tomcat was still sitting on the really fat ice fisherman calmly enjoying
his fourth perch and eyeballing that juicy pike that slid up. Bob the dogwalker and the Donut Eaters stopped their snowmobile and cop car down on the
ice.
As the train disappeared, the train roar was replaced with total and complete silence. I could hear the relief as hockey players and ice fishermen
let their breath out, thankful that they would live to see another day. Bob walked off his snowmobile to check on Ralphie, who was still wrapped up
but had somehow released my ankle.
The donut eaters, realizing that they had tickets to write, rapidly exited their cop car as it sat there idling on the frozen surface of Lake Lansing.
I could tell they were upset because they had steam coming out of their ears and their faces were red with anger. The really fat donut eater was
especially angry because he slammed his cop car door with such force, that it jarred loose the flashing lights mounted on the roof of the cop car.
Matter of fact, he slammed his door so hard, we could hear a crack in the ice starting at the far end of Lake Lansing.
We all turned to the other side of Lake Lansing and watched and listened to a series of cracks that developed on the ice. The ice was creaking and
groaning and it all started from the slam of the police car door. You could actually see little puffs of snow as the ice cracked, and we were all
mesmerized, watching the geometric crack pattern make its way towards us. As this was happening, the hockey team and the ice fishermen decided it
would be a good idea to crawl up on the Railroad Embankment, here on the south side of Lake Lansing. Bob the dogwalker fired up his snowmobile and
quickly accelerated off the ice, his snowmobile pointing up the embankment with the headlights pointed to the sky. The Donut Eaters? Well, by the
time they collected their wits, the cracks had developed such that they would not be able to get around them. The Railroad embankment was way too
steep for a cop car to climb up, and at that point in time, myself, the hockey players, the fat ice fishermen, Ralphie, Bob the dog walker, and Tommie
the tomcat knew that the cop car was history! We collected ourselves on the bank and watched the doomed cop car. The hockey team removed their
helmets, I placed my hand over my heart, and the goalie started the most moving rendition of “Onward Christian Soldiers” that I have ever heard.
The cracks in the ice fully encircled the doomed cop car. We continued listening to the goalie with his magnificent version of “Onward Christian
Soldiers”, while the cop car slowly settled in the waters of Lake Lansing. It sank slightly front end first, due to the heavy engine, and seamed to
exhale its last breath of resignation as it slipped below the surface of lake lansing. Squadron 2432 formed a perfect circle above the squad car,
circling round and round as if marking its final resting place. We all stood there for quite some time, watching the bubbles as they slowly rose up
to the surface of the lake, as if freeing the lost soul of the cop car submerged below. The flashing lights continued to dim until the car had sunk
so deep that the light could not reach the surface of the lake anymore. I had to smother my tears, as I packed up my kite, and listened to the
final refrain emerge from the goalies mouth and echo off the far shore of Lake Lansing.
God I hope I have as much fun next time!
Regards,
Cranky
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