Let's lighten the load a little. Got any good jokes to share? Thanks.

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.

Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.

The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb." The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.

The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"

Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"

Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911:
Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb.
Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
Blonde: Yes.
Operator: The power in the house in on?
Blonde: Of course.
Operator: And the switch is on?
Blonde: Yes, yes.
Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?
Blonde: No, it's working fine.
Operator: Then what's the problem?
Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around, and we all fell and hurt ourselves.

A guy is robbing a bank . He looks at a man who was standing in line, and asks him" do you see me?" the man replies "yes I do " . So the bank robber shots him. He then turns and asks another man "do you see me" the man replies "no i don't, but my wife here does" :singing:

Womens rights.

...damn, its not very funny due to the male dominance here.

So far good stuff guys! Keep it up!

Tonight we watched the news. It seems we had sent our water bomber to assist with the fires and it was supposed to land at lake Shasta. Typical for Canadians it blew an engine and had to head back. The return trip took 2 extra hours due to the lost engine.
My room mate said... " I hope the don't lose the second engine or they might be up there all night ".

This is from an ex-airforce member :frog:

2-funny!

read out loud


i yam sofa king we todd did !!!!!!!



repeat

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello."

I politely said, "Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f***ing number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an a$$#%$@!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word '#@%$#!' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an #@%$#!!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic '#@%$#!' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar
with our Caller ID Program?"

He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an #@%$#!!" and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first #@%$#! (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW #@%$#!, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

He said, "Yes, it is."

I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?"

He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax . It's a yellow rambler, and the car's parked right out in front."

I asked, "What's your name?"
He said, "My name is Don Hansen,"

I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

He said, "I'm home every evening after five."
I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
He said, "Yes?"

I said, "Don,you're an #@%$#!!"

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two #@%$#!s to call.

Then I came up with an idea. I called #@%$#! #1. He said, "Hello."

I said, "You're an #@%$#!!" (But I didn't hang up.)
He asked, "Are you still there?"

I said, "Yeah,"

He screamed, "Stop calling me,"

I said, "Make me,"

He asked, "Who are you?"

I said, "My name is Don Hansen."

He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?"

I said, "#@%$#!, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, a yellow rambler, I have a black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, #@%$#!," and hung up.

Then I called #@%$#! #2.

He said, "Hello?"

I said, "Hello, #@%$#!"

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

I said, "You'll what?"
He exclaimed, "I'll kick your ass,"

I answered, "Well, #@%$#!, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now." Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax .

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two #@%$#!s beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Time to go fly!!!

Two men were flying power kites in a large field. Then a funeral precession begins to pass on a nearby road.

One guy takes off his hat and places over his heart.

After the long line of cars pass by, the other guy says, I'm impressed! that was really respectful of you.

The other guy reply's, I was married to her for 30 years, that’s the least I could do.

I went to Ozzfest in '06 when System of a Down headlined. On one of the other stages Black Label Society with the "MAN" Zakk Wylde frontin. When all of the sudden , this is what I see, no freakin way. It was a freakshow, but it rocked!

fm99 mascot maybe

Thats not a very good joke Donny. Thats a regular thing at shows like that especially if FM99 has anything to do with it. Its a different class of people thats for sure.

mobile condom dispenser? hair treatment ? for curls????:barf:

hahaha

Quote:

Originally posted by WELDNGOD mobile condom dispenser?

That is on dispenser I will not be using any time soon!

next time my wife is looking for a hair tie, I'll just give her a condom

And I thought those where sausage casings

I'll have to say though, makes for a better dispenser that deposit :evil:

great jokes btw

two kiters walk in a bar................

Hey I've heard this one!!!
The first kiter orders a ............

Great guys, Kent I will not be asking for your # anytime soon.

What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?

a bagel bite?:frog:

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