Good afternoon guys! Bear with me but I hope you enjoy my experience.....My first time flying a moderatly sized kite 5 meters, and the fun I had doing it!

First off, I have had my first kite for a couple months, a symphony 2.1 meter beach kite, flown it at the beach and wanted something with more power!

Well, I read the forums and lurked here for a while, gathering information and compiling data to select a larger, more powerfull, second kite. The collective recommendation obtained through recommendations to others from you guys was that a 3, 3.5, or 4 meter kite would be a great next step to get more experience and take baby steps into the sport. So naturally, I purchase a HQ Beamer 3 five meter kite used from a member on the forum here. Yeah, I know, I know, I shoulda followed your advice and gotten a smaller kite but if any of you guys want to tell me how you followed sensible baby steps when you were first starting out I will try and be polite and not chuckle while you can see me.

So after the usual FED EX He aint here so I can leave a slip on the door (I swear he sets hidden at the end of the street just waiting for me to pull out of the drive to leave that we tried to deliver it message) and finally drive out to their distribution center to pick the kite up.

Once I get the kite, dispite favorable weather forcasts from the local weather guru, we enter a five day period of absolutely dead calm conditions! The wind gods have a sarcastic sense of humor. I cannot wait until one of the bigger markets decides their weather man is getting it correct too often and swipes Andy Provonzono away to Detroit, Chicago, or Minneapolis! but thats another story.......

So anyways, yesterday, it appears that our beloved Andy got it correct for once, steady winds 6-8 mph and I am looking out the window every fifteen minutes and smiling cause the leaves are rustling on the trees! So I ride home, set the iron horse on its kick stand, and go to collect my kite! Off to the fields with my new kite! WEEEEHAAAA!


Now just wait aminute.........Gotta have the regularly scheduled argument with Wifey over whos turn it is to recycle the dishwasher, along with a reminder that its trash day! Haul the trash out, Recycle the dishes in Cranky World Record Time with acceptable casualties (nother regularly scheduled argument with wifey), and sneak out while she is packing up for her knitting club. WEEEEEHAAAAA! (again).

Head back to house to get kite that I forgot on doorstep........

Head to local soccer field that is scientifically selected not because the winds are good there (they aint, the trees around it really mess it up), Not because the field surface is smooth as glass (its stinks........litterally......the local dog walkers are leaving organic land mines all over the place), but because of the total absence of local rug rats playing the highley developed herd soccer and the accompanying obnoxious companions, hereafter referred to as soccer moms insanely driving their dodge caravans and plymouth voyagers! The dearth of these highly dangerous kite field inhabitants pleasantly observed on initial drive home!

Anyways, I park the iron horse and unstrap my monster kite........ following all the staking tips and weighting tips gleaned from this site and also coastal wind sport (thank you), and unpack my kite and smiling from the steady and moderate winds out in the middle of the field! Only a couple dog walkers in sight! WEEEE Haaaaa!

So finally, I am ready to give the initial tug on my new (used) beamer 5 meter kite........and then the wind gods smile down on me (did I mention that they have a sarcastic sense of humor?)...........Absolutely dead calm.....deader then a doornail.......DOA wind......So dead you can measure the rotation of the earth by shooting a arrow straight up and then determining the speed of rotation by the offset from where it landed.........

So I am standing out there in the middle of this deserted field trying not to look like a idiot and one of the aformentioned dog walkers strolls up and asks "Whats the deal with that tarp you got over there?". So I explain how that is a monster kite and I am just trying to fly it for the first time and his dog, who just realizes that I am the closest thing to a real tree for 400 yards decides to take advantage of the situation..........

Did I mention that the wind gods have a sarcastic sense of humor? So while this dog is lifting his leg, I take careful aim with my 9 1/2 steel toed red wings and wouldnt you know it, a sudden strong gust of wind picks me up, ruins my carefully calculated trajectory, and good old ralph the pooch is still able to sire a world supply of puppies for the foreseable future. I was surprisingly calm during my fourty feet ascent (probably closer to 4 foot), patiently observing that my brake lines need a bit of shortening until my junior high school science teacher reminds me of newtons law.......... what goes up must come down! HOLEY CRUD!!!!!

To the amusement of the aforementioned dog walker, I apply every piece of useless body english I can think of to try and slow my decent, including a serious effort to grow wings in a very short period of time! I do not think I need to tell you guys that it was a serious waste of energy. I should have been concentrating on soaking up the impact with my knees, letting go of the kite, and rolling to absorb as much of the impact as possible. I decided to scream as loud as possible and grip the kite handles with a death grip and not let go.

I do not know how but somehow I landed on my feet.

The previously mentioned dog walker was laughing so hard he released ralph the pooch, who, incensed from the near miss on his family jewels, and decided personally test the puncture resistance of my 9 1/2 red wings.

So here I am, sliding across the field on one well lubricated steel toed boot, with a rotweiller/pit bull cross breed epoxied to my other boot, hangin on to a rapidly rotating full power kite with a death grip, rapidly approaching the powerlines at the end of the field, with the aforementioned dog walker horking out a lung back where it all began in a puddle of dog piss. Fortunatly, using my highly developed sence of situational awareness, I was able to hook the rotweiler/pit bull on the goal post as they whipped by me at about 35 mph, and let go of the handles which engaged the kite killers which I had fortunatly remembered to install at the beginning of the adventure!

As the aforementioned dog walker was bending over and examining ralph the wonderdog and dialing doggie 911 on his cell phone, I quickly packed up my kite and skedaddled outa there.

God I hope I have as much fun next time!

REgards,
Cranky

god i hope you post a story like that every time. great read.

Your intent was obviously to make us laugh, and I did, hard, but be careful for Pete sake!

good stuff........ gotta admit dogs really do make flying that much more interesting.. and you still need a 3m kite, everyone does.

for some reason i have visions of the first time rudolph the reindeer flew

Awesome read!!!!!!!

2real.. Next time remember -- let go of the kite!

All warnings aside, as long as you managed to pack up unhurt, it was a great session.
And a fantastic read; you have another calling!

That sounds like a lifetime of kitemares wrapped into one session and I am sure you are much wiser,I see a kitemare book in your future.Very good!

haha i've read this... twice. this man knows how to tell a story, well done sir

Cranky Thunder, Thanks so much for the advice on what "not" to do. Still lmao. What a great experience and "way" of telling it.
My first kite is coming some time this week. I hope I don't have the same Fed Ex guy that you mentioned. I will have to let you know how my first try goes.

I love you writing skills ..... Keep you sessions interesting and you may have enough material to write a book .....
We need more reports like this ..... Its a pleasure to read and reminds times when I was trying my first kites ....

Thanks You for shearing ....

I want to thank you and everybody for your kind words of encouragment, I am working on my writing skills for when I retire and I think I got a couple books in me.

Make sure you see my other posts, up to excoursion number four and stay tuned for episode number five where I get my snow skis out soon as the lake gets hard. If anybody has any suggestions that I can build on I would like to hear them!

Having a blast with my new afflixion, enjoying putting words together for my own amusement, and completely overwhelmed at the positive feedback I am receiving, both on the forum and private emails from you guys!

Regards,
Cranky