My Favorite Animal

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.

My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.

I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much.
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now..........

Telling the principle about which 11 herbs and spices he used:roll:

See I told you all you think about is food :frog:
OH yeah this is a good funny:duh:. You got one for every day?

Nice one cheeze,

Speaking of animals,... Did you hear about that pony that couldn't sing?

He said it was because he was just a little horse

Quote:

Originally posted by soliver Nice one cheeze, Speaking of animals,... Did you hear about that pony that couldn't sing? He said it was because he was just a little horse

/rimshot

How do you keep a fool in suspense for hours?

FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE

1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the #@%$#!'s name.
3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.
5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.
Bonus: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex. A friend of mine was wearing one, when he was shot by the woman's husband

Quote:

Originally posted by rocfighter You got one for every day?

Dunno... I'll try. Can't guarantee there won't be reapeats...

Quote:

Originally posted by cheezycheese My Favorite Animal Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again. The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now..........

For some reason, it reminded me of this....




ATB,
Sam

Haven't seen Mr. Yuk in forever...thanks sam!

A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"
Bartender says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Bartender says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Bartender says: "No, we have no bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Bartender says: "No, we haven't got any bread!"
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Bartender says: "No, are you deaf?! We DON'T have any bread, and if you ask me again, I'll nail your *^#%* beak to the bar!"
Duck says: "Got any nails?"
Bartender says: "No"
Duck says: "Got any bread?

My personal favourite defense gun has always been the Beretta Jetfire in 22 short. I have carried it for many years including while hiking. I never leave home without it in my pocket.



Of course the first rule when hiking in the wilderness is to always use the Buddy System. This means you NEVER hike alone. Always bring a friend, companion or family member so if something happens there is someone to help.

I remember this one time while hiking with my girlfriend in northern Alberta when out of nowhere came this huge brown bear charging at us, and boy was she mad. We must have been near one of her cubs. Anyway, if I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire I would not be here writing this today.

Just one shot to my girlfriend’s knee cap was all it took, and the bear got her and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.

It’s one of the best pistols in my collection.

OK Mark that one was good!!:wow:
Did you figure out the answer to mine yet?
Bigkid that is one of my favorite family friendly jokes!!

I believe it was W.C.Fields that said " I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, then a frontal lobotomy"
how many of you guys remember who he is??

Quote:

Originally posted by rocfighter I believe it was W.C.Fields that said " I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, then a frontal lobotomy" how many of you guys remember who he is??

Wasn't he Marshall's brother?

Senior Sex

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village taver...n where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

Electric fence!! Man when I read that I about fell off the chair!!

How many feminist does it take to change a lightbulb....?





Trick question... Feminists can't change anything.... :saint:

Quote:

I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much.

....We bought some novelty Hot Sauce last year....

PETA
(PEOPLE EATING TASTY ANIMALS)

Just goes to show, no matter how bad life gets, there is always somebody worse off than you....

^ That is Funny^^^

^^^^^^ ^^^^^^^^^
^^^^^ OK you guys are wacko's^^^^^^^^
The early bird gets the worm, But the second mouse get the "CHEEZY CHEESE"

5 Minute Management Course.

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $200 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $200 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $200 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.


Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.


Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'


Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.


Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull #@%$#! might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.


Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:

(1) Not everyone who #@%$#!s on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of #@%$#! is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep #@%$#!, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

WOW that was a lot of typing Mark.:wow:
All very good though

Don't mean to steal anyones thunder here but enjoy this moral based humor...
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It got so cold it froze up and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As it lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the little bird singing, and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out-and then ate him.

The morals of the story are:

1. Not everyone who drops #@%$#! on you is your enemy.

2. Not everyone who gets you out of #@%$#! is your friend.

3. When you're in deep #@%$#!, keep your mouth shut

FlyinhighWNY-always best to read a thread before you post in it...that way you don't...oh.... repeat what someone just said...

FlyinhighWNY-always best to read a thread before you post in it... That way you don't...oh...repeat what someone just said...

I'm laughing at that just as much as some of the jokes in the thread

plenty of good humor in here for sure!

^^^ thinks I'm funny, he really thinks I'm funny^^^

Ok so i read most of his post missed #6! My bad! Hope this doesn't offend anyone dug through an email from 2006 to get this one


Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry. Man who scratch bottom should not bite fingernails. Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse, soon find him in cat house.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who pass wind in church sit in own pew.
A Crowded elevator smell different to midget.