Lets get some good jokes going so when it gets slow we can at least come here and get a good laugh...

Quick one I just made up...
Question:"Snatch Block"... is that the same as "Kock Block"?

Bahdump-Bump!!!

Ok... here's one to start...

A (hillbilly, trailer trash) pregnant lady is in a coma, comes out of the coma to find out she had twins... Shes worried about who named them, the Dr. comes in, she asks who named her kids... The Dr. replies that her (hillbilly, trailer trash) brother named her kids... She was horrified... What did he name them she asks, the Dr. replies "well your daughter was named Denise" she sighed with relief, and asks the Dr. "and my son" the Dr. replies "well your boy was named Denephew"...

Bahdump-Bump!!!

good stuff...


a blonde walks into a thrift store and asks the owner if she can buy this tv.
the owner says sorry we don't sell stuf to blondes. She goes hame dyes her hair brown. next day walks into same store ask the owner can i buy your tv.
owner says sorry we don't sell stuf to blondes. she goes home dyes her hair
red. next day goes back to the store and asks the owner if she can buy his tv.
The owner says i have already told you twice we don't sell stuf to blondes. So she is mad she says how do you keep knowing that it is me? the owner says that is not a tv it is a microwave.

A guy sitting at a bar begins telling the Bartender a Blonde joke, when she interrupts him:

"Hey Buddy, I have a shotgun underneath my bar, and as you can see, I am a blonde... Over there... thats our door-lady, trained in three different martial arts, shes a blonde, also... Over there, thats the owner of the bar... she was a sniper in the Marines, and has registered herself with the government as a deadly weapon, also a blonde... Now mister, you tell me, are you SURE you want to continue with that blonde joke???"

He said... "Hell no, you think I want to explain that joke three times!!!"

Why do blonde girls have bruises around their belly buttons?
:dunno:
:dunno:
:dunno:
:dunno:
:dunno:
:dunno:
:dunno:
:dunno:
:dunno:
Blonde boys are stupid too



:bouncing::bouncing::bouncing::bouncing::bouncing::roll:

a man is trying to fly a kite in his back yard, he's having trouble with it flying...

his wife sees him throught an opened window she yells...'you need more tail'

the man yells back at his wife,,"that's what I told you...and you told me to GO FLY A KITE"

:P

Here are a few kite related jokes also that I found...

Four kite strings in a bar
Four kite strings stop in front of a shady looking bar.
The first kite string say: "I'm going in for a beer." He goes in and the bartender says: "Hey, we don't serve kite strings in here." So he walks out.
The second and third kite strings go in with the same results... Get out, we don't serve kite strings in here!
The fourth kite string takes off his hat and places his hand on top his head rubbing his hair around and tangling it. He places his hat back onto his head and boldly goes into the bar. The bartender looks at him kind of questioning, and says: "Hey, aren't you a kite string!?!"
The kite string takes off his hat and bows, saying, "No, I'm a frayed knot." -Penny-

Foil
What do you call two pieces of tin foil rubbed together?
A parafoil... -Penny-

a frayed knot....

Thats so stupid I laughed out loud :D Thanks man, I needed that.

Only in America!!!
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America......do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures."

10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

11. Only in America.... Do we say ATM machines..... (Automatic Teller Machine Machines)

Here's a Halloween one.

Why don't witches fall off their brooms?


They don't wear underwear.

I can't tell ya none of the jokes I hear at work. I work around navy seals ,sailors ,shipyard workers ect. Were a salty bunch,so I doubt they would make sense if edited. But I'll give it a shot over the bow!

Q. Why do women douche ?

A. Cause vaginas can't spit. :megan:



see what I mean... And it only gets worse!:ticking:

Here's a classic I love to tell - (this needs to be done with a thick Scottish or Irish accent)

A young Scottish man and and old Scottish man sit in a Scottish bar drinking. The old Scottish man says to the young Scottish man -

"You see that pier that stretches out into the sea as far as the eye can see, I built that pier with these two hands, but do they call me MacGregor the pier builder - No!

You see that wall that runs from county to county out there, I built that wall with these two hands, but do they call me MacGregor the wall builder - No!

You see this bar we're drinking at here, I built this bar with these two hands, but do they call me MacGregor the bar builder - No!

But you #@?! one sheep!


I apologise if there are any Scotts or Irish that may take offense to this - but you can switch it up to anybody as long as you can do the accent.

I have for to get you in the halloween spirit.

A man was walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears:



BUMP...



BUMP...



BUMP...


Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.




BUMP...


BUMP...



BUMP...


Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him


FASTER...



FASTER...



BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping


clappity-BUMP...



clappity-BUMP...


clappity-BUMP...



on his heels, the terrified man runs.





Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.



With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.


Bumping and clapping toward him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!




Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...


and,





















The coffin stops.

ohhh geeez hahaha.

You had me going there - very nice.

Have lots of joks most canot be posted I am sure.

Bambi went into the woods with 2 deer, Soon after she came out walking kinda funny. She said, Dam! I will never do that for 2 bucks again!!

I will u2u ya with the real thing SCREWY. Let me know what ya think.

LOOK!!! ITS A PLANE. NO! ITS A ROCKET! ITS A METEOR!! NO, ITS STRASHER WITH A POWER KITE!!! That has got to be funny!

Two cannibals were eating a clown....one looks to the other and asks "Does this taste funny to you?"

Quote:

Originally posted by awindofchange Two cannibals were eating a clown....one looks to the other and asks "Does this taste funny to you?"

hahahaahahahahahahhaahahaa

Thanx Sthrasher,
Its too bad society can't handle those and enjoy the fun of it, so others could enjoy them too...

Quote:

Two cannibals were eating a clown....one looks to the other and asks "Does this taste funny to you?" -awindofchange-

Thats classic, good job... I got to spread this one...

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was “Onestone”. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!

The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, “Good morning, Onestone”. He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until A woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird , who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, “Good to see you, Onestone”.

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!





Why ???





OH, come on... take a guess !!!





Think about it !!!




You're going to love this !!!





Everyone knows... You can't kill Two Birds with OneStone !!!
:saint::smug::o:o:o

:roll::roll:

A email that made me laugh...

BOOBS AND WILLIES

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?"

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman's boobs are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s , they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions".

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."


This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, "Mom, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree".

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes --- dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.

Hope this is not offensive to anyone!!! merely for laughs...

I am at the birch phase.:embarrased: Thats kinda scary. Thanks.

A dog walks down the street of an old western town and into a saloon. He sits at the bar and asks the Bartender for a drink. the Bartender replies "we don't serve dogs here" and then shoots the canine in the foot. The dog yelps and runs out of town with a limp.

A week later, the same dog returns to the town wearing a pair of six shooters. He walks down the street, bursts through the swinging saloon doors with guns in hand, and says with a sneer;






I'm lookin for the man............................................................................................who shot my paw!

Bada Boom!!!!!!!

Quote:

Originally posted by MadKiteBoy A dog walks down the street of an old western town and into a saloon. He sits at the bar and asks the Bartender for a drink. the Bartender replies "we don't serve dogs here" and then shoots the canine in the foot. The dog yelps and runs out of town with a limp. A week later, the same dog returns to the town wearing a pair of six shooters. He walks down the street, bursts through the swinging saloon doors with guns in hand, and says with a sneer; I'm lookin for the man............................................................................................who shot my paw! Bada Boom!!!!!!!

My dad Jacked my account.. this was not me

Oh sure, blame it on good ol Dad. for your 16th century joke.:P Just messin wit-cha. good one dad.:dunno:

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours: green, red, orange, and blue.
My dad kept staring at him. When the teenager became self-conscious, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response. 'Got drunk once, and had sex with a pea#@%$#!. I was just wondering if you were my son.'

An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large
farm for several years. He had a large pond in the
back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic
tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach
trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for
swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the
pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look
it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring
back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and
laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized
it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his
pond. He made the women aware of his presence and
they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming
out until you leave!"

The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down
here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get
out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he
said, "I came here to feed the alligator."

Moral of the story: Old men may move slow but can
still think fast.

Jaymz,

That one rocks. Sounds just like something one of the locals down here would say to. But with a more southern redneck backwoods good ole boy accent. LOL




Now for another NC joke or 2.


What is the difference between God and a North Carolina State Trooper ? God Doesn't think he is a State Trooper.



A man is driving down I-85 South bound towards SC one day. He is going a little faster than he should be when he see's a NC Trooper pull up behind him with the blue lights going. The man freaks out and punches the gas. The Trooper calls the pursuit in and follows. When they finally get the man to stop just before the Georgia state line, the Trooper approaches the mans car gun drawn and asks the man why he ran from him. The man looks up at the Trooper and states to him " My wife ran off about weeks ago with a North Carolina State Trooper and I thought you were the @%$@#$%@ bringing her back to me.