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Jokes!!!

SCREWYFITS - 23-10-2008 at 02:04 AM

Lets get some good jokes going so when it gets slow we can at least come here and get a good laugh...

Quick one I just made up...
Question:"Snatch Block"... is that the same as "Kock Block"?

Bahdump-Bump!!!

Ok... here's one to start...

A (hillbilly, trailer trash) pregnant lady is in a coma, comes out of the coma to find out she had twins... Shes worried about who named them, the Dr. comes in, she asks who named her kids... The Dr. replies that her (hillbilly, trailer trash) brother named her kids... She was horrified... What did he name them she asks, the Dr. replies "well your daughter was named Denise" she sighed with relief, and asks the Dr. "and my son" the Dr. replies "well your boy was named Denephew"...

Bahdump-Bump!!!

:lol:

f0rgiv3n - 23-10-2008 at 07:28 AM

:lol:

good stuff...

a blonde walks into a thrift store and asks the owner if she can buy this tv.
the owner says sorry we don't sell stuf to blondes. She goes hame dyes her hair brown. next day walks into same store ask the owner can i buy your tv.
owner says sorry we don't sell stuf to blondes. she goes home dyes her hair
red. next day goes back to the store and asks the owner if she can buy his tv.
The owner says i have already told you twice we don't sell stuf to blondes. So she is mad she says how do you keep knowing that it is me? the owner says that is not a tv it is a microwave.

dylanj423 - 23-10-2008 at 01:29 PM

A guy sitting at a bar begins telling the Bartender a Blonde joke, when she interrupts him:

"Hey Buddy, I have a shotgun underneath my bar, and as you can see, I am a blonde... Over there... thats our door-lady, trained in three different martial arts, shes a blonde, also... Over there, thats the owner of the bar... she was a sniper in the Marines, and has registered herself with the government as a deadly weapon, also a blonde... Now mister, you tell me, are you SURE you want to continue with that blonde joke???"

He said... "Hell no, you think I want to explain that joke three times!!!"

NPWfever - 23-10-2008 at 01:55 PM

Why do blonde girls have bruises around their belly buttons?
:dunno:
:dunno:
:dunno:
:dunno:
:dunno:
:dunno:
:dunno:
:dunno:
:dunno:
Blonde boys are stupid too :smilegrin:

:bouncing::bouncing::bouncing::bouncing::bouncing::roll:

a kite joke

USA_Eli_A - 23-10-2008 at 02:15 PM

a man is trying to fly a kite in his back yard, he's having trouble with it flying...

his wife sees him throught an opened window she yells...'you need more tail'

the man yells back at his wife,,"that's what I told you...and you told me to GO FLY A KITE"

:P

SCREWYFITS - 28-10-2008 at 06:36 PM

Here are a few kite related jokes also that I found...

Four kite strings in a bar
Four kite strings stop in front of a shady looking bar.
The first kite string say: "I'm going in for a beer." He goes in and the bartender says: "Hey, we don't serve kite strings in here." So he walks out.
The second and third kite strings go in with the same results... Get out, we don't serve kite strings in here!
The fourth kite string takes off his hat and places his hand on top his head rubbing his hair around and tangling it. He places his hat back onto his head and boldly goes into the bar. The bartender looks at him kind of questioning, and says: "Hey, aren't you a kite string!?!"
The kite string takes off his hat and bows, saying, "No, I'm a frayed knot." -Penny-

Foil
What do you call two pieces of tin foil rubbed together?
A parafoil... -Penny-

_____ - 28-10-2008 at 07:08 PM

a frayed knot....

Thats so stupid I laughed out loud :D Thanks man, I needed that.

SCREWYFITS - 28-10-2008 at 08:17 PM

Only in America!!!
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America......do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures."

10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

f0rgiv3n - 28-10-2008 at 08:32 PM

11. Only in America.... Do we say ATM machines..... (Automatic Teller Machine Machines)

speleopower - 29-10-2008 at 06:33 PM

Here's a Halloween one.

Why don't witches fall off their brooms?

They don't wear underwear.

WELDNGOD - 29-10-2008 at 06:57 PM

I can't tell ya none of the jokes I hear at work. I work around navy seals ,sailors ,shipyard workers ect. Were a salty bunch,so I doubt they would make sense if edited. But I'll give it a shot over the bow!

Q. Why do women douche ?

A. Cause vaginas can't spit. :megan:

see what I mean... And it only gets worse!:ticking:

flexiblade - 29-10-2008 at 08:26 PM

Here's a classic I love to tell - (this needs to be done with a thick Scottish or Irish accent)

A young Scottish man and and old Scottish man sit in a Scottish bar drinking. The old Scottish man says to the young Scottish man -

"You see that pier that stretches out into the sea as far as the eye can see, I built that pier with these two hands, but do they call me MacGregor the pier builder - No!

You see that wall that runs from county to county out there, I built that wall with these two hands, but do they call me MacGregor the wall builder - No!

You see this bar we're drinking at here, I built this bar with these two hands, but do they call me MacGregor the bar builder - No!

But you #@?! one sheep!

I apologise if there are any Scotts or Irish that may take offense to this - but you can switch it up to anybody as long as you can do the accent.

_____ - 30-10-2008 at 10:21 AM

I have for to get you in the halloween spirit.

A man was walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears:

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him

FASTER...

FASTER...

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping

clappity-BUMP...

clappity-BUMP...

clappity-BUMP...

on his heels, the terrified man runs.

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.

Bumping and clapping toward him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...

and,

The coffin stops.

f0rgiv3n - 30-10-2008 at 10:25 AM

:no:

ohhh geeez hahaha.

flexiblade - 30-10-2008 at 06:05 PM

You had me going there - very nice.

Sthrasher38 - 31-10-2008 at 09:10 AM

Have lots of joks most canot be posted I am sure.

Bambi went into the woods with 2 deer, Soon after she came out walking kinda funny. She said, Dam! I will never do that for 2 bucks again!!

I will u2u ya with the real thing SCREWY. Let me know what ya think.

Sthrasher38 - 31-10-2008 at 09:38 AM

LOOK!!! ITS A PLANE. NO! ITS A ROCKET! ITS A METEOR!! NO, ITS STRASHER WITH A POWER KITE!!! :borg:

That has got to be funny!

awindofchange - 31-10-2008 at 10:37 AM

Two cannibals were eating a clown....one looks to the other and asks "Does this taste funny to you?"

USA_Eli_A - 31-10-2008 at 03:08 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by awindofchange
Two cannibals were eating a clown....one looks to the other and asks "Does this taste funny to you?"

hahahaahahahahahahhaahahaa

SCREWYFITS - 31-10-2008 at 03:16 PM

:lol:

Thanx Sthrasher,
Its too bad society can't handle those and enjoy the fun of it, so others could enjoy them too...

Quote:

Two cannibals were eating a clown....one looks to the other and asks "Does this taste funny to you?" -awindofchange-

Thats classic, good job... I got to spread this one...

The Indian With One Testicle

SCREWYFITS - 18-11-2008 at 03:06 AM

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was “Onestone”. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!

The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, “Good morning, Onestone”. He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until A woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird , who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, “Good to see you, Onestone”.

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

Why ???

OH, come on... take a guess !!!

Think about it !!!

You're going to love this !!!

Everyone knows... You can't kill Two Birds with OneStone !!!
:saint: :rolleyes:

:smug::o:o:o :mad:

WELDNGOD - 18-11-2008 at 11:45 AM

:thumbup:

:roll::roll: :thumbup:

SCREWYFITS - 5-12-2008 at 12:16 PM

A email that made me laugh...

BOOBS AND WILLIES

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?"

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman's boobs are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s , they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions".

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, "Mom, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree".

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes --- dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.

Hope this is not offensive to anyone!!! merely for laughs...

Sthrasher38 - 10-12-2008 at 12:39 PM

:lol:

I am at the birch phase.:embarrased: Thats kinda scary. Thanks.

MadKiteBoy - 10-12-2008 at 04:54 PM

A dog walks down the street of an old western town and into a saloon. He sits at the bar and asks the Bartender for a drink. the Bartender replies "we don't serve dogs here" and then shoots the canine in the foot. The dog yelps and runs out of town with a limp.

A week later, the same dog returns to the town wearing a pair of six shooters. He walks down the street, bursts through the swinging saloon doors with guns in hand, and says with a sneer;

I'm lookin for the man............................................................................................who shot my paw!

Bada Boom!!!!!!!

MadKiteBoy - 10-12-2008 at 08:18 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by MadKiteBoy
A dog walks down the street of an old western town and into a saloon. He sits at the bar and asks the Bartender for a drink. the Bartender replies "we don't serve dogs here" and then shoots the canine in the foot. The dog yelps and runs out of town with a limp.

A week later, the same dog returns to the town wearing a pair of six shooters. He walks down the street, bursts through the swinging saloon doors with guns in hand, and says with a sneer;

I'm lookin for the man............................................................................................who shot my paw!

Bada Boom!!!!!!!

My dad Jacked my account.. this was not me

Sthrasher38 - 12-12-2008 at 03:09 PM

Oh sure, blame it on good ol Dad. :no:

for your 16th century joke.:P Just messin wit-cha. good one dad.:dunno:

Jaymz - 12-12-2008 at 10:47 PM

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours: green, red, orange, and blue.
My dad kept staring at him. When the teenager became self-conscious, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response. 'Got drunk once, and had sex with a pea#@%$#!. I was just wondering if you were my son.'

Jaymz - 12-12-2008 at 10:48 PM

An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large
farm for several years. He had a large pond in the
back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic
tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach
trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for
swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the
pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look
it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring
back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and
laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized
it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his
pond. He made the women aware of his presence and
they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming
out until you leave!"

The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down
here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get
out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he
said, "I came here to feed the alligator."

Moral of the story: Old men may move slow but can
still think fast.

Sandman - 13-12-2008 at 03:55 AM

Jaymz,

That one rocks. Sounds just like something one of the locals down here would say to. But with a more southern redneck backwoods good ole boy accent.

LOL

Now for another NC joke or 2.

What is the difference between God and a North Carolina State Trooper ? God Doesn't think he is a State Trooper.

A man is driving down I-85 South bound towards SC one day. He is going a little faster than he should be when he see's a NC Trooper pull up behind him with the blue lights going. The man freaks out and punches the gas. The Trooper calls the pursuit in and follows. When they finally get the man to stop just before the Georgia state line, the Trooper approaches the mans car gun drawn and asks the man why he ran from him. The man looks up at the Trooper and states to him " My wife ran off about weeks ago with a North Carolina State Trooper and I thought you were the @%$@#$%@ bringing her back to me.

Jaymz - 13-12-2008 at 08:53 PM

Sometimes a true story is funnier than a joke. When I read this, I was rolling with laughter.

A well to do businessman in Utah has a house and view of the mountains to die for. As can be expected, eventually someone bought a lot between him and the mountain view. The new owner constructs his "dream home" but the height of his new home is 4' taller than city code. The businessman hates that his view is compromized and gets word that the height of the new home is out of code.
Businessman sues new owner and forces him to LOWER HIS NEW ROOF at GREAT expense.

A month after the construction of lowering the roof, the businessman calls the police and city to complain of gable vents the new owner installed

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Jaymz - 13-12-2008 at 08:59 PM

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WELDNGOD - 13-12-2008 at 09:05 PM

SWEET REVENGE!!:roll:

Sthrasher38 - 15-12-2008 at 09:45 AM

:lol:

I hope he has fire insurance!

Taper123 - 16-2-2009 at 09:14 AM

A man and wife were sitting around one night discussing a living will. The man keeps insisting that if he ever gets to the point he is living on a machine and fluids from a bottle, that the wife pull the plug. She just rolls her eyes at him, and he carries on about it again... Look, I'm serious... if I am ever just living on a machine and fluids from a bottle, pull the plug. She asks if he is serious, and he tells her to do whatever it takes....
.
.
.
.
.
... so she gets up and unplugs his computer and pours out his beer.

f0rgiv3n - 16-2-2009 at 09:19 AM

haaaaaaaahahaha, OUCH! that was a good one :D .

lad - 16-2-2009 at 05:13 PM

Mr. Bear was chasing Mr. Bunny through the woods and they stumble upon a magic lamp. As they grab and fight over it, a genie appears and says "If you both stop fighting, I'll give you each three wishes"

The bear pushes the bunny into the brambles, saying "Me first! I wish I had the biggest penis in the woods." The genie sighs and the bear hindquarters suddenly slump with the added weight.

The bunny emerges, dusting himself off, while glaring back at the bear. Then he suddenly looks calm and announces "I wish I had a little crash helmet." The genie looks perplexed as a stars and stripes helmet appears in the bunny's arms.

"What a DUMB bunny," Mr. Bear snorts, "I wish that all the bears in the woods were girls except me." The genie rolls his eyes and motions his hand across the woods.

The bunny, ignoring the bear taunts, says "I wish for a little motorcycle" and a tiny Honda motocross model appears next to him.

"I told you he's dumb!" bellows the Bear. "He's wasting his wishes, but not me! I now want for all the bears in the world to be girls, except me! Yeah, just me and the girl bears - I like that. Hey, I know what to wish for, unlike you, stupid bunny"

The genie complies and turn to the bunny for his final wish.

The bunny, with a sly grin, sits on the bike and calmly straps his helmet on. "For my last wish..." he says, revving the engine and roaring up to the top of a hill, "...I wish Mr. Bear WAS GAY!"

Taper123 - 27-2-2009 at 05:04 AM

For those who slept through World History 101...here is a condensed
version.

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic
hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer hunted in the mountains during
the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in
the winter.

The two most important events in all of mankind's history were:

1. The invention of beer and...

2. The invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to
the beer, and beer to the man.

These two events formed the foundation of modern civilization and
together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two
distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals

2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain which led to the beginning
of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were
invented yet, so while our early human ancestors were sitting around
waiting for these items to be invented, they just stayed close to the
brewery.

That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and hunting animals to BBQ at night
so they could eat meat while they were drinking beer. This was the
beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.
Other men who were weaker and much less skilled at hunting learned to
live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and
doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning
of the Liberal movement.
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest
became known as girlie−men.
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of
cats, the invention of group therapy & group hugs, the evolution of
the Hollywood actor, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide
how to "equally" divide all the meat and beer that a few strong,
skilled conservatives provided.

Over the years, Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest,
most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant.

Liberals came to be symbolized by a braying jackass.

Modern Liberals drink imported beer (with a lime wedge added), but
most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish
but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are also
standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note:
Liberal women generally have higher testosterone levels than their men
partners.
Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers
in Hollywood, and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented
the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher
also bat.

Modern Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still
provide for their women. Conservatives are big−game hunters, rodeo
cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors,
police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and
generally anyone who works productively for the good of society.
Conservatives who own companies tend to hire other conservatives who
desire to work for a living.

Today's Liberals produce little or nothing tangible. They like to
govern the producers and decide what to do with the production.
Liberals have always believed Europeans are more enlightened than
Americans. This is why most Liberals remained in Europe when
adventurous conservative pioneers were first coming to America.
Liberals crept in to the USA after the Wild West was already tamed and
created a business of trying to get something for nothing from the
first Conservatives.

Here ends today's lesson in world history...

It should be noted that all Liberals will have a momentary urge to
angrily respond to this history lesson before doing either:
1. Nothing or 2. Filing some sort of cowardly anonymous complaint.

A Conservative will simply laugh at the absolute truth of this attempt
at humor.

mgatc - 27-2-2009 at 08:15 AM

The Proctologist's Nurse walks into the exam room carrying a beer.

The Doctor says, " for crying out loud, I told you I needed a BUTT light"

f0rgiv3n - 27-2-2009 at 08:24 AM

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!! THAT! was awesome

WELDNGOD - 27-2-2009 at 07:57 PM

now I gotta poke my "minds eye" out!

Jovver - 4-3-2009 at 11:53 AM

Two fish are in a tank. The one says to the other; you get the guns, I'll drive!

bigben91682 - 4-3-2009 at 02:24 PM

I was at the doctors office with a fever, he goes to write me a perscription and pulls a thermometer out of his pocket, he says "uh-oh" and I asked "what?" to which he replied "some a$$hole's got my pen"

bigben91682 - 4-3-2009 at 02:27 PM

A well-dressed businessman walks into the doctors office with a parrot on his head

Doctor asks "what can I do for you today?"

Parrot says "you can get this guy off my ass"

Sthrasher38 - 4-3-2009 at 03:14 PM

Did you know that if you are bald in the front you are a (thinker) If you are bald in the back you are a (lover) If your bald in the front and back... You think your a lover. :smilegrin:

ragden - 5-3-2009 at 07:59 AM

***Disclaimer: May upset religious types. Sorry if you are offended.***

Moses had taken up the game of golf and decided to invite his old buddy, JC down for a game. Jesus came down the night before and got a nice room in a hotel, watched some TV, took a long luxurious bath and got a good night's sleep. The next day, he and Moses go out to the course. Moses tees up and hits a beautiful shot right down the fairway. Jesus tees up and proceeds to pull out a putter.

Moses says, "Oh, I realize that you've never played this game before, but that one is for the little short shots up close to the hole. For this shot you need the driver."

Jesus looks at him and says, "I was watching TV last night and I saw Arnold Palmer playing. He used a putter. I am, after all, Jesus Christ. If he can do it, so can I."

So Moses just shakes his head and tells him to go ahead. JC then hits it into the rough. Moses goes and fetches the ball for him. Jesus tees up and pulls out the putter again.

Moses says, "Oh, come on! Use the driver!"

JC says, "I'm Jesus Christ! If Arnold Palmer can hit it with a putter, then so can I!"

Moses says, "Fine! But if it goes someplace it's not supposed to, you go and get it!"

So, Christ takes his shot and it goes into the water. The next thing you know, Christ is out walking on top of the water looking for his ball. Two golfers come over the rise and their chins hit the ground. They walk up to Moses and say, "Who does he think he is, Jesus Christ?"

Moses just looks disgusted and says, "No! He thinks he's Arnold Palmer!"

Nymphomaniacs Convention

SCREWYFITS - 14-3-2009 at 12:50 PM

Just ran across this one, enjoy...

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago ."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of Nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."
:singing:

Furlongs - 15-3-2009 at 07:00 AM

An experienced Kiter was walking with a newbie through endless dark woods leading to a secluded field with lots of wind perfect for kiting.

The newbie said to the Kiter...."these woods are really scaring me".

The Kiter replied "How do you think I feel....I have to walk out of here alone".

Sthrasher38 - 16-3-2009 at 09:04 AM

The difference between Oral sex and anal sex. Do you know? Oral sex makes your whole day.:D And anal sex makes your hole weak!! :no:

Taper123 - 3-12-2009 at 09:46 AM

So after all of Tiger Woods indescretions...

He has decided that he no longer wants to be called "Tiger" but he loves being a member of the cat family. So now we need to refer to him as "Cheetah". Cheetah woods...

ba-da-bing

cheezycheese - 3-12-2009 at 10:51 AM

a horse and a chick are walking across the farm one day when the horse accidentally falls in the well. he yells up to the chick "hey chick, go get farmer brown to pull me out." so chick runs down to farmers browns house and franticly
bangs on the door... but no answer!! so he looks for him around back and notices farmer browns BMW parked in the yard. he pulls the BMW up to the well, ties a rope around the bumper and tells the horse to bite the other end so he can pull him out. the next day they are checking out the spot where this happened and chick slips and falls in the well... "hey horse run and get farmer browns BMW to pull me out" chick yells. "no need" horse exclaims and simply straddles the well and lowers his johnson down and tells chick to hop on.

the moral of this story is... if you're hung like a horse, you DON'T need a BMW to pick up chicks..... :piggy: :lol:

cheezycheese - 16-6-2010 at 05:19 AM

Tasteless humor....

Gary Coleman's monagrammed coffin...

6154-720_500.jpg - 131kB

cheezycheese - 16-6-2010 at 05:21 AM

may God forgive me... :embarrased:

rocfighter - 16-6-2010 at 05:43 AM

Hey Cheesy, those are both awsome. I bet God will forgive you way before others. Or you may be struck by lightning tommorrow!!
But it might just be you are flying kites in thunderstorms!!:wee:

pokitetrash - 16-6-2010 at 05:58 AM

Stupidest joke ever:

What smells like bananas and goes from tree top to tree top?
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MONKEY FARTS! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!

Drewculous - 16-6-2010 at 07:07 AM

two men are talking at a bar, the one asks the other...
"does your wife keep her eyes open when you make love?"
the other replied "No, the #@%$#! never could stand to see me have a good time!"

rocfighter - 16-6-2010 at 10:05 AM

A bear and a rabbit are taking a crap in the woods.
The bear asks the rabbit" does poop stick to your fur?"
The rabbit said "no"
So the bear wiped his a$$ with the rabbit!! :D

gbrown - 16-6-2010 at 01:30 PM

Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the
instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward.. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework..
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak...

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof
that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Drewculous - 16-6-2010 at 03:36 PM

omg dude! THAT WAS FUNNY!!

WIllardTheGrey - 16-6-2010 at 09:30 PM

That earned me a glare... I really should proof read the jokes before I read em outloud to the wife. :rolleyes:

WIllardTheGrey - 16-6-2010 at 09:36 PM

Neighbors who love each-other.

cheezycheese - 2-3-2012 at 06:07 PM

BumP... Let's hear some new ones....

soliver - 3-3-2012 at 12:42 AM

Did you ever hear about the agnostic dislexic insomniac?...

He stayed up all night wondering if there was really a Dog.

one more...

So a man has some issues at work and decides to visit a therapist to discuss his problems. the therapist asks him what the problem is "Well, I work in the pickle factory, and I have this urge to stick my wiener in the pickle slicer." The therapist responds "Oh my, that seems troubling, perhaps I can help." ...They continue therapy for several weeks until the man shows up for a therapy session with a disturbed look on his face. The therapist confronts him and he says "well, I did it... I stuck my wiener in the pickle slicer... " The therapist responds "Well what happened?" The man says "I was fired!" The therapist asks "And what about the pickle slicer?" the man says "Oh... she was fired too."

ok another...

What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?...
Slap her :lol:

Cerebite - 9-3-2012 at 09:09 PM

Tim Tebow, the most interest in a white Bronco since OJ Simpson :tumble::P

mougl - 9-3-2012 at 09:43 PM

A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house:
"Talking Dog For Sale."
He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador Retriever
sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when
I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government; so I told the
CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from
country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders,
because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of
their most valuable spies for eight years running."

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't
getting any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a
job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly
wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some
incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married,
had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants
for the dog.

"Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him
so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that #@%$#!."

Ba-da-bum

Hospital surgery

treblehook - 9-3-2012 at 11:19 PM

Hospital surgery......
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks,
"What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep,and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and
ice cream. It's a breeze."
The second kid then a"What are you here for?"
The first kid says,
"A circumcision." "Whoa!" the second kid replies. "Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year." :smilegrin:

lad - 9-3-2012 at 11:36 PM

Oldie but goodie (enhanced with 1950's stereotypes!):

A blustery Texas tycoon is touring Asia and stops by a peasant tending his tiny rice paddy.
"I say, uh, boy...is this here all yo propertee?"

The peasant replies "Yes, this is my land, it's not much, but it's all mine"

"Well ah, boy, lemme tell yah. Back home in Texas my ranch has land as far as the eye can see. I got so much propertee that you can git in mah car at the crack o' dawn and start drivin' along mah estate. You'd keep a-drivin' an' a-drivin' all day. You'd keep 'a-driving 'til the sun sets, an' you STILL wouldn't reach the other end of all mah propertee!"

"Hmmm," the peasant says, rubbing his chin, "I know just what you mean. I used to have a car like that too!"