Sometimes a true story is funnier than a joke. When I read this, I was rolling with laughter.

A well to do businessman in Utah has a house and view of the mountains to die for. As can be expected, eventually someone bought a lot between him and the mountain view. The new owner constructs his "dream home" but the height of his new home is 4' taller than city code. The businessman hates that his view is compromized and gets word that the height of the new home is out of code.
Businessman sues new owner and forces him to LOWER HIS NEW ROOF at GREAT expense.

A month after the construction of lowering the roof, the businessman calls the police and city to complain of gable vents the new owner installed

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SWEET REVENGE!!:roll:

I hope he has fire insurance!

A man and wife were sitting around one night discussing a living will. The man keeps insisting that if he ever gets to the point he is living on a machine and fluids from a bottle, that the wife pull the plug. She just rolls her eyes at him, and he carries on about it again... Look, I'm serious... if I am ever just living on a machine and fluids from a bottle, pull the plug. She asks if he is serious, and he tells her to do whatever it takes....
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... so she gets up and unplugs his computer and pours out his beer.

haaaaaaaahahaha, OUCH! that was a good one :D .

Mr. Bear was chasing Mr. Bunny through the woods and they stumble upon a magic lamp. As they grab and fight over it, a genie appears and says "If you both stop fighting, I'll give you each three wishes"

The bear pushes the bunny into the brambles, saying "Me first! I wish I had the biggest penis in the woods." The genie sighs and the bear hindquarters suddenly slump with the added weight.

The bunny emerges, dusting himself off, while glaring back at the bear. Then he suddenly looks calm and announces "I wish I had a little crash helmet." The genie looks perplexed as a stars and stripes helmet appears in the bunny's arms.

"What a DUMB bunny," Mr. Bear snorts, "I wish that all the bears in the woods were girls except me." The genie rolls his eyes and motions his hand across the woods.

The bunny, ignoring the bear taunts, says "I wish for a little motorcycle" and a tiny Honda motocross model appears next to him.

"I told you he's dumb!" bellows the Bear. "He's wasting his wishes, but not me! I now want for all the bears in the world to be girls, except me! Yeah, just me and the girl bears - I like that. Hey, I know what to wish for, unlike you, stupid bunny"

The genie complies and turn to the bunny for his final wish.

The bunny, with a sly grin, sits on the bike and calmly straps his helmet on. "For my last wish..." he says, revving the engine and roaring up to the top of a hill, "...I wish Mr. Bear WAS GAY!"

For those who slept through World History 101...here is a condensed
version.

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic
hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer hunted in the mountains during
the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in
the winter.

The two most important events in all of mankind's history were:

1. The invention of beer and...

2. The invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to
the beer, and beer to the man.

These two events formed the foundation of modern civilization and
together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two
distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals

2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain which led to the beginning
of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were
invented yet, so while our early human ancestors were sitting around
waiting for these items to be invented, they just stayed close to the
brewery.

That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and hunting animals to BBQ at night
so they could eat meat while they were drinking beer. This was the
beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.
Other men who were weaker and much less skilled at hunting learned to
live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and
doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning
of the Liberal movement.
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest
became known as girlie−men.
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of
cats, the invention of group therapy & group hugs, the evolution of
the Hollywood actor, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide
how to "equally" divide all the meat and beer that a few strong,
skilled conservatives provided.

Over the years, Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest,
most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant.

Liberals came to be symbolized by a braying jackass.

Modern Liberals drink imported beer (with a lime wedge added), but
most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish
but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are also
standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note:
Liberal women generally have higher testosterone levels than their men
partners.
Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers
in Hollywood, and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented
the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher
also bat.

Modern Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still
provide for their women. Conservatives are big−game hunters, rodeo
cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors,
police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and
generally anyone who works productively for the good of society.
Conservatives who own companies tend to hire other conservatives who
desire to work for a living.

Today's Liberals produce little or nothing tangible. They like to
govern the producers and decide what to do with the production.
Liberals have always believed Europeans are more enlightened than
Americans. This is why most Liberals remained in Europe when
adventurous conservative pioneers were first coming to America.
Liberals crept in to the USA after the Wild West was already tamed and
created a business of trying to get something for nothing from the
first Conservatives.

Here ends today's lesson in world history...

It should be noted that all Liberals will have a momentary urge to
angrily respond to this history lesson before doing either:
1. Nothing or 2. Filing some sort of cowardly anonymous complaint.

A Conservative will simply laugh at the absolute truth of this attempt
at humor.

The Proctologist's Nurse walks into the exam room carrying a beer.

The Doctor says, " for crying out loud, I told you I needed a BUTT light"

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!! THAT! was awesome

now I gotta poke my "minds eye" out!

Two fish are in a tank. The one says to the other; you get the guns, I'll drive!

I was at the doctors office with a fever, he goes to write me a perscription and pulls a thermometer out of his pocket, he says "uh-oh" and I asked "what?" to which he replied "some a$$hole's got my pen"

A well-dressed businessman walks into the doctors office with a parrot on his head

Doctor asks "what can I do for you today?"

Parrot says "you can get this guy off my ass"

Did you know that if you are bald in the front you are a (thinker) If you are bald in the back you are a (lover) If your bald in the front and back... You think your a lover.

***Disclaimer: May upset religious types. Sorry if you are offended.***

Moses had taken up the game of golf and decided to invite his old buddy, JC down for a game. Jesus came down the night before and got a nice room in a hotel, watched some TV, took a long luxurious bath and got a good night's sleep. The next day, he and Moses go out to the course. Moses tees up and hits a beautiful shot right down the fairway. Jesus tees up and proceeds to pull out a putter.

Moses says, "Oh, I realize that you've never played this game before, but that one is for the little short shots up close to the hole. For this shot you need the driver."

Jesus looks at him and says, "I was watching TV last night and I saw Arnold Palmer playing. He used a putter. I am, after all, Jesus Christ. If he can do it, so can I."

So Moses just shakes his head and tells him to go ahead. JC then hits it into the rough. Moses goes and fetches the ball for him. Jesus tees up and pulls out the putter again.

Moses says, "Oh, come on! Use the driver!"

JC says, "I'm Jesus Christ! If Arnold Palmer can hit it with a putter, then so can I!"

Moses says, "Fine! But if it goes someplace it's not supposed to, you go and get it!"

So, Christ takes his shot and it goes into the water. The next thing you know, Christ is out walking on top of the water looking for his ball. Two golfers come over the rise and their chins hit the ground. They walk up to Moses and say, "Who does he think he is, Jesus Christ?"

Moses just looks disgusted and says, "No! He thinks he's Arnold Palmer!"

Just ran across this one, enjoy...

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago ."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of Nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."
:singing:

An experienced Kiter was walking with a newbie through endless dark woods leading to a secluded field with lots of wind perfect for kiting.

The newbie said to the Kiter...."these woods are really scaring me".

The Kiter replied "How do you think I feel....I have to walk out of here alone".

The difference between Oral sex and anal sex. Do you know? Oral sex makes your whole day.:D And anal sex makes your hole weak!!

So after all of Tiger Woods indescretions...

He has decided that he no longer wants to be called "Tiger" but he loves being a member of the cat family. So now we need to refer to him as "Cheetah". Cheetah woods...

ba-da-bing

a horse and a chick are walking across the farm one day when the horse accidentally falls in the well. he yells up to the chick "hey chick, go get farmer brown to pull me out." so chick runs down to farmers browns house and franticly
bangs on the door... but no answer!! so he looks for him around back and notices farmer browns BMW parked in the yard. he pulls the BMW up to the well, ties a rope around the bumper and tells the horse to bite the other end so he can pull him out. the next day they are checking out the spot where this happened and chick slips and falls in the well... "hey horse run and get farmer browns BMW to pull me out" chick yells. "no need" horse exclaims and simply straddles the well and lowers his johnson down and tells chick to hop on.

the moral of this story is... if you're hung like a horse, you DON'T need a BMW to pick up chicks..... :piggy:

Tasteless humor....

Gary Coleman's monagrammed coffin...

may God forgive me... :embarrased:

Hey Cheesy, those are both awsome. I bet God will forgive you way before others. Or you may be struck by lightning tommorrow!!
But it might just be you are flying kites in thunderstorms!!:wee:

Stupidest joke ever:

What smells like bananas and goes from tree top to tree top?
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MONKEY FARTS! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!

two men are talking at a bar, the one asks the other...
"does your wife keep her eyes open when you make love?"
the other replied "No, the #@%$#! never could stand to see me have a good time!"

A bear and a rabbit are taking a crap in the woods.
The bear asks the rabbit" does poop stick to your fur?"
The rabbit said "no"
So the bear wiped his a$$ with the rabbit!! :D

Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the
instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:



Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward.. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework..
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak...

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof
that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

omg dude! THAT WAS FUNNY!!

That earned me a glare... I really should proof read the jokes before I read em outloud to the wife.